Is self care self indulgence?

 

This year has been a very hard one. On everybody. Around the world. We all have experienced trauma in one way or another – loved ones have lost jobs, people have lost their homes, people have been without food. To a lesser extent people haven’t had full salaries, or have benefits suspended. We have not had access to family members who don’t live with us, the borders have been closed limiting our access to loved ones far away.

 

But we have all experienced fear – of  an unknown enemy – a faceless one – we weren’t sure if we would see family members again, or if we would be returning to a society we even recognised! Would we be hospitalised? Would we contract the virus? Would we be able to access hospital facilities should we need them? what would happen to people with no medical aid?

 

And so we have emerged. Exhausted. Uncertain. Untrusting. Is it a hoax? Will our freedom once more be taken away? Must we stockpile toilet paper?

 

And this has left us all pouring from an empty cup. A cup that once was full of optimism and life and joy and excitement. Where we were on top of schedules and appointments and wore pants to work! Where we had face to face interactions with clients and suppliers, and could go to a sports game, or gather at a wedding, or watch a concert to fill our cups and feed off the energy of others, to having that wrenched away.

 

If we do not, therefore, look after ourselves and refill our cups in whatever form, how can we ever again give to those around us? If we do not pray, or meditate, or spend some time in nature? If we neglect ourselves, and plough along into work, scrambling to make up the lost revenue, without so much as a backward glance at our reflections. If we rush to fill the gaping holes left by friends and family we cannot get too close to, and do not choose quiet and calm and relaxation, how will we be able to love them as hard again?

 

So no, in 2020, as in EVERY YEAR, self care is not self indulgence. But in 2020, it is a necessity. Or we will not make 2021. Care for yourselves. Put on your own lifejacket before putting on those around you. But remember to be kind to one another.

How do you know if it's love?

 

I struggle with this question every single day. not with friends, not with partners, or even colleagues. The place I struggle the most with this, is my family.

 

My siblings, and cousins, and my mom – super easy to answer. I love them unconditionally. Obviously the same goes for my children. Both those that are mine biologically and those that are mine through years of fostering and love.

 

But family, its always been a tricky one for me. so much confusion between obligation, the old auspices of blood being thicker than water, and genuine affection.

 

Obligations have always been a noose around my neck. Pleasing people.  doing the right thing. As the black sheep of the family, I always had a push and a pull – push to do the wrong thing because its what everybody expects anyway (I was the black sheep before I even STARTED behaving like one) or pull to do the thing that your heart says is right, and then having so much guilt if you do the wrong thing, but being so dam pissed off when you do the right thing, because nobody even acknowledges you anyway!

 

Recently I have had a family member who would otherwise be destitute, come to stay on my property. As somebody who values privacy more than anything else, it was a really rough decision to make. As somebody who is in a relatively new relationship, in the year of COVID, its not ideal. All my money I had been saving to go and visit my daughter in America for her 21^st birthday, has gone into renovating a flat for him. Making it secure, making it tech-friendly, really making it home.

 

And yet this person has oozed nothing but negativity since arriving. The very air around me feels tight, as though I cannot breathe. And I feel like I am slowly sinking while we wait for it to be finished and for him to be totally self contained

 

He abused myself, my mom, and my sisters for years. And yet here I am sacrificing my money and my sanity to help him out. So again I ask – how do you know if its love?

 

 

My life with the Legacy of Jan Smuts

 

My entire life, since I can remember, Jan Christiaan Smuts has been a prominent figure in my life. I knew his name before I even knew some of my family’s names. His bust was prominent in our lounge, and there were trunks filled to the brim with memorabilia, photos, letters and exciting treasures.

At first this was not overtly interesting to me, but as time wore on, I started asking questions as to who this man was, and why we had so much stuff about him, and of his. And the answer was quite simple, and yet still quite mystifying.

My Great-Uncle, my dad’s uncle, was Jan Smuts’ last private secretary before he lost the elections and ultimately passed away. Henry Cooper was an amazing man by all accounts and somebody that my dad and my mom spoke very kindly about. He passed before I was born. He wrote a book while with Smuts, about all the walks they went on together, and spoke so fondly of the man behind the politician. The super intelligent brain, his need for strict exercise regimens, and his appetite for ever increasing mountain peaks to be conquered in his daily regimen.

When Smuts was ousted, he moved his offices into my Grandparents, Cissie and Willie Cooper’s, offices. Willie was Henry’s brother, and they had been fervent supports of Smuts during office, and were now not about to leave him in his hour of need.

Smuts was also my Dad’s Godfather and on his passing, Henry was left with much of Smuts belongings, including some of his shaving kits.  These were, of course, out of bounds to me for most of my childhood. When I hit high school, we actually started learning about him. I begged and pleaded and was allowed to take the one shaving kit to school. Nobody believed it was actually something that had belonged to this great man. But I know the truth.

My Uncle Henry was at the inaugural United Nations meet. He got to meet the most incredible international figures, including the Queen, of both Greece and England. What I wouldn’t give for a bounce on his knee and some late night story-telling.

My dad fell ill, about 4 years ago and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I was given the trunks of treasures, and needed to find a home for them. Or at the very least put them into some sort of order.

I have since discovered that Olive Schreiner was also my relative, as was Austin Roberts. To most South Africans of my age, these names do not mean much, but over the past few years I have made it my mission to learn just who they were to us as South Africans and what legacy they left. My Granny and Grandpa wrote many well-loved South African songs, including ‘Jy is my liefling’ and ‘Die Donkie’. My great great grandfather was an Advocate in the Cape Colony, and wrote under the pseudonym of Samuel Zwartman.

In my pursuit for answers, I went to watch my Father’s Coat earlier this year, and was amazed at the story-telling and the tale itself. I asked Michael if he could assist me in my pursuit to find proper homes for the items. And he referred me to Brenthurst, and to Smuts house. And a rather joyful meeting a few weeks ago, led to me finally placing some of the missing artefacts in the hands where they had belonged the whole time.

And now I find myself wondering, what will my legacy be? Here is hoping I live up to my DNA!

Being normal

Somebody recently pointed out that I'm not very normal. And it hurt my feelings. Because much as I advocate being unique and loving yourself and being you, it's so much harder to practice than preach.

And I spent today wondering about my normalcy. Wondering why I am so very different. In good and in not so good ways. And I thought possibly somebody else needed to read this. So here we go. 

As usual, if you dont want to read it please scroll on by.

I went to a good junior school. My parents sacrificed everything to send me there. But what happens when you are overweight and wear hand me down clothes AND happen to be one of the smartest in your grade is you get teased. You get looked down on. And you are ultimately rejected.

Roll on high school. Where I could be anything I wanted to be in my new beginning, I chose POPULAR. which to a 13 year old meant rebelling and getting as much negative attention as I could. This meant that i disrupted classes, caused general havoc, and ended up being despised by my peers as I caused their time to be wasted and often incurred punishments for the whole class. 

Mix in a tumultuous home life which was not happy and where you never felt belonging, and you have an 18 year old gone wild. Willing to try anything once. Or twice for fun. And so I did. This made me resent myself wholeheartedly for bad decisions and crazy Choices.

Leave home desperate to find normal and end up with the wrong partner. In the wrong environment. Living the wrong life. 

And so it goes. Always searching. Always yearning for acceptance and to fit in. And just never quite finding it.

And voila

Years later you are an adult wh0 has done their best to provide and to love and who missed the mark on loving and providing to me. 

Throw into the mix a star sign that symbolizes balance. A balance you've never ever achieved. And you have the least normal result.

Somebody who can be irrational. Somebody who can be jealous and hateful. Somebody who so easily sees negative and has to work consciously to ever find the good. Somebody who is insecure and neurotic. Somebody who is moody and sulky. 

But also somebody filled with so much love and loyalty for those who manage to find her good. Somebody who will always give to others in need

 Somebody who will try and inspire and motivate and grow every being around her. 

So yes

I'm not normal. I'm broken

But I'm human

And I'm trying my best. 

So to anybody I have hurt or ignored or made feel less than, I am sorry. And I love you

How do you know your soul is fed?

Well maybe a good question to start with is – does your soul need to be fed? If so, what feeds it? And how much does it need to be fed?

So my answer is YES! You can feel the difference on days where your heart is happy, your purpose being lived. You can feel the sunlight on your skin, you seem to notice the birds in the trees, and the butterflies in the sky. Sounds somewhat like a Disney movie, and this is how life is meant to be lived. To capacity. In gratitude and in the present.

I brought my children up on holidays in the Kruger Park. Camping, sharing ablutions, and eating most meals from cans. This was what budgets allowed for and it was pure heaven! We laughed, we joked, we played games, and we were immersed in nature. These times were when my soul soared. When I could feel that if I was any more content, I may just explode. This is when I realised how neglected my soul was on a daily basis. How what I had been craving and longing for was fresh air, sunshine, happiness, and love. How simple and how easy!

And yet we forget. We feed our egos. We feed our brains. We feed our bodies. And so we carry on day after day week after week. Being in lockdown sure has not helped our mental state, nor has it helped our physical state. I spent so much of it in paralysing fear and terror of the unknown. I forgot about sunshine. I forgot about the birds in the trees. I forgot about play and love and gratitude and joy. I could only see the darkness.

And now, I have realised that my soul needs some loving. That I am feeling hollow and lonely because I put my lid on. I didn’t allow myself to be open. To allow myself to receive. It felt far better to wallow. And all my indoor plants have died because I refused them water and sunlight. And so now, time to start again. Time to plant my seeds, time to nurture them, and time to start feeding my soul again.

The world is in turmoil, yes, but I don’t need to be. I can look after my state of mind. I can watch how I interact, and I can start to germinate others afresh, just as I grow again.

Be kind to yourself

Is time off a necessity?

As an employer, one side of me says absolutely no. Staff should be available at all times. Behind their desks. Slaving to make the company money. If you are asking me about myself? Guilt is a killer. How do I quantify that time off? What if I am not available the entire time? What if I am out of cell range? What if I miss an email?

I can state that I worked during lockdown. I worked on weekends, I worked on public holidays. I feverishly chased up leads and set up towards new markets. Even if there was no work, I found it. This, combined with the total fear and anxiety that the world experienced during this time, has left me exhausted. Unable to sleep. Listless.

I had applied for leave in January to go down to Ramsgate for a long weekend in June. This obviously couldn’t happen and so I ended up taking the leave days anyway. This was one of the best investments in self I have ever permitted. I slept almost solidly. I was deflated. I was destressed. And I realised that maybe, just maybe, the Earth does not stop spinning if we are unavailable for a few days. It made me realise just how strong and reliable my team are.

And it made me realise that time off is not just a necessity but a fundamental requirement for being a human doing.

Be kind to yourself. Take the time.

When do you need to work on you?

As human beings, it is very easy to identify shortcomings in those around us. They laugh too loudly, sniff too often, have a voice that’s far too high pitched. They brag, they gossip, they may even just irritate you for no real reason.

Conversely, it is also very easy to see the areas of development within ourselves. Our inner critic screams louder than any voice around us. Even Karen with the high-pitched voice! It drowns out the logic, it smothers the compliments and truths from others around us and convinces us that we are just plain horrid.

So I guess the answer I have to the question, is that it is always the right time to work on you. The only relationships you will have from the day you are born to the day you die is your relationship with money, and with yourself. Personally, my journey of working on me only began about 7 years ago. Up until then I hadn’t really even been aware of the momentous and incredible journey of self-love, self-discovery, and personal growth. I didn’t realise that there was a world so much greater than school, tertiary, or straight to work, and then career.

I didn’t realise that you actually needed to nurture the girl inside. Coax her away from her demons. Unlearn past behaviours. Reteach new ones. School her in self-love, self-appreciation, and instead of slamming her, loving her and building her up to new and incredible heights. For me it started with some amazing motivational speakers, which evolved into reading some incredible books. WOW! So many contrasting beliefs, so many varied viewpoints, making my mind stretch and bend and curve.

Into finding people on the same journey as me. Finding souls to coach, and to grow. Finding mentors who could pull me up, mould me, and grow me. Discovering people who were on the same path as I was.

I lost many people when I started this journey. People who did not share my desire for growth. People who found it weird that I could even consider growing or changing at my ripe old age. But man oh man, the people I have collected since! The amazing menagerie of the tribe I have amassed.

So the answer for me is simple. The time to work on you is always, unquestionably, now. You will slip, you will lose sight and focus. But you will always find your way back. There is no greater love than self-love. Be kind to yourself.

Locked down

Feelings flood over me
Through me
Unwanted
Undesired
Unloved
Not enough
Insufficient
Inarticulate
Rejected
Things I vowed to never feel again
Yet here these perfect strangers are once more
Knocking on the door
Jeering at me
Provoking me
Wondering how I ever deemed id be worthy some day
Worthy of being adored
Worthy of being supported
Worthy of being accepted for the unholy mess of the kaleidoscope I surely am
Voices inside
Talking so loudly I cannot hear others speak
I can hear words but do not feel them
I can see things but I dont resonate with them
As though I'm dying in my core. Slowly. Dying once more
Just wanting to be enough
Wanting to make somebody's world spin on it's very axis
Just by me being me
I'm a joke
A has been
A may never even have existed
I thought I rose like a Phoenix
Instead I am the swamp
I drag people down into my depths
I drown them
I take away their light
Kill their joy
Twist their happiness not just their words
Drive them away like cattle
I eclipse their sun and pull their energy into the black hole that is my heart
That is my energy
That is me.
I will never be the person who takes my life force away
But do I even have it to begin with
Did I ever have the sunshine at my back
Could I ever be a sunrise to another
A starry night
A smile
A reason to be more
I try. I fight against the quicksand but it always comes back for me
Never allowing me to breathe. Never allowing me the slighest respite
Constantly reminding me who my demons are and where they reside
In my core. The prison I created for them

Running a company is child's play

I started working at VCA in 2001. I joined on a temporary basis, after leaving the travel field, where I had worked for 5 years previously, in relatively junior positions. I was a Groups Supervisor, but that meant that I was responsible for group bookings, not that I had any organisational clout.

I left as I had a baby and travelling to Sandton every day was just too much for both her and I. my parents had a small business which consisted of the two of them only. It was young and unestablished, and they needed some temporary administrative assistance. Historically we had never had a good relationship, but it seemed a win win so I joined the team for a six month stint, while looking for something more local.

During this initial time, I fell in love with the work. Another girl joined the same day as I did, and our team of four grew, and the timespan I was at VCA grew, and my love for the clients and the work grew.

Now when I look back, 19 years later, it has been the ride of my life. My dad was the founder and majority shareholder, my mom then bought him out, and two years ago, I bought my mom out. It has been the biggest labour of love I have ever undertaken.  Firstly, a family business is probably the biggest risk people who love each other can take. I have seen some thrive and do exceptionally well. We did not have the same story. With friends, or with family, its personal. If you are the child, then you are the child at work. You are treated so, and are expected to behave so, even if you are not. If you are the parent, you expect to be treated as the parent but also the colleague or partner. Lines get blurred, and relationships are damaged, sometimes forever.

Being the sole owner, or being one of many, is a huge responsibility. Even bigger than being a parent. Knowing that you have to make decisions every day that affect not just you but your staff. And not just your staff but their families. Your children. Your clients, your client’s families. The reality is daunting and more often than not, quite terrifying. And when you join an organisation at 24, what do you actually know about life? What can you know? life schools you as you grow. As you experience. And wow. Either you learn, you adapt, and you change, or you bash your head and do not get up again. The choice is yours.

My children were raised within the walls of the company. Not having a support structure at home, when they were sick, when mommy had to work public holidays and weekends, they came with. And that is what they knew.

Have I made mistakes along the way? We don’t have enough time to talk about that. Too many to even bring to mind. Have I learned from them? You bet I did. Sometimes it took some time, but I always learned. I always grew, and I refused to just sit down and admit defeat. Ever. It is just not an option

Many people hoped I would fail. Thought shame, look at Hayley trying to run her mommy and daddy’s company. But what they didn’t realise, was that it was my company. It has been my company since I walked through the doors, and had the passion for my clients and what I do infuse with my very being. I have shed blood sweat and tears for this company. I have fought demons, clients, suppliers, partners, and my very self for this company to thrive. For my staff to have a secure happy safe environment. And I will continue to do so.

Running a business is one of the hardest tasks I have ever taken on. But one of the most satisfying, rewarding, and amazing experiences of my life, and I will forever be thankful for the opportunity.

To meditate or medicate?

At the beginning of the year, my topics were decided upon. This one seemed like a cut and dried one for me. And then…. COVID 19 struck.

In fact, 2020 struck. With all of it’s curve balls, all of it’s intensity and all of it’s chaos. Started reeling our heads and then…. The virus came to town.

I am in a new relationship, with a lovely man I have known for 16 years. We decided for safety reasons to brave the lockdown together. Which sounded like a fabulous idea to facilitate us getting to know each other on a much deeper level, and to bond. One we would never have again.

The period started out amazingly, and then…. My demons came to town. They didn’t knock politely on the door. They didn’t ask if they could come in. They were just there. Staring at me in the face. It was like they had never left.

I didn’t have an easy childhood, and was in a very unhappy marriage, which ended in my late twenties. I spent my thirties desperately working on me, so I could be a better mom, friend, daughter, sister and partner. I took medication, I stopped medication, I went on medication again, and then decided, I wanted to do it alone.

That is, until Rona came knocking. I cannot remember a time of more desperation, more chaos, more anger, more frustration, than the week of 30 March. Did it make sense? Not even a little. I have a home, I have food, I have a business and amazing staff members. I have a wonderful family, fantastic kids who are safe, and a loving boyfriend. And yet, not a SHRED of logic was to be found. I descended into the most manic depressive state I have been in in years. War erupted in our house as we battled for territory and for, most importantly, sanity.

After many ugly words, much unnecessary fighting, calm descended. It was as though I needed one final battle with them before they left the building.

What I am saying is, you are not alone. We are all facing demons at the moment. Fighting them on a daily basis. Being far from our loved ones. Worrying about their safety. Worrying about our health. Worrying about finances, the economy, our beautiful South Africa.

Just ride the wave. Hold on tight. Let it crash all around you. And then, when you open your eyes on the other side, you will be okay. It will have passed. And you will be prouder of yourself than ever before.

I am here. We are all here. Be kind to yourself.

Looking within

A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with one of my greatest teachers. Unfortunately we do not get as many opportunities to connect in the year as I would like, but when we do, I really make sure to enjoy every second. This time we met, she asked me, with Nikita leaving, what I was filling the hole in my being with. When I asked what she meant, she said its quite simple – when we lose things, or people, through death, relocation, breaking up, disappearance, or even a plain simple falling out, they leave a hole. And its up to us what we will this hole with – alcohol, exercise, hobbies, pain, misery, or joy. That I should always trust the Universe. Let me start at the beginning…..

The past few weeks have been very trying for me. Initially on a personal level, with my beautiful daughter and soul sister leaving for an experience of a lifetime, to go and au-pair in the USA, and then shortly thereafter, my 2IC and professional lifeblood, advising me that she had been offered a role she just couldn’t refuse and would be leaving at the end of February.

I was left reeling. How could I survive without the two pillars in my life? Were either leaving my solar system? No. They were merely relocating. Living their dreams. Finding their soulpaths.

My initial reaction to my GM resigning was sheer panic. Shortness of breath, feelings that the sky was falling in. I could never cope on my own. EVER. I was not strong enough, resourceful enough, clever enough. And so instead of responding to her verbal resignation and engaging in a conversation, my brain went into an overdrive of negativity and paralysis, and all I could muster was ‘Oh wow’.

I walked away feeling as if the ground was shaking below my feet. Unsure of how to go forward, and even unsure if I could. And in that moment, deep within, I heard a voice saying – let go and trust the Universe. And so I did. My actions over the last few weeks have all been directed by a Force very far from my logical mind. And in this chaos, and in this absolute place of fear, so much has been grown and started and fertilised, and developed, and as much as I let go, so I am guided.

In looking within, so I am being grown without. Ever in awe and gratitude.

Money - nowhere near the root of any evil

One of my greatest teachers, the Fairy Godmother, has taught me many valuable lessons. My most valuable has been around money. She teaches that you have two lifelong relationships, these are with yourself, and with money.

Money has spent our entire relationship running away from me. The more desperate I have been, the more I have disregarded it, the more I have said how dirty it is, the root of all evil, how rich people are not as humble or genuine as poor people, the more money has really acted that role.

So today I advise you to embrace money. Treat your wallet as the sanctuary that money comes from. Keep it clean, keep it organised and tidy. Keep track of your expenses. Record all your slips in a book, so you can be conscious of where your money goes.

Be grateful for the money you have. Be thankful for what it helps you buy. Imagine how it will feel to have more. Be specific with what you see, imagine holding it, experiencing it.

Use it wisely. Invest it. Let it grow and attract more money for you

Money is the only relationship you will have all your life, aside from that with yourself. Nurture it.