I've been told you drink too much. I've been told you're playing me and I'm not your priority.
And yet i trust you. With all of me.
You've been single for years.
And yet I trust you. Heart body and soul.
Can you hurt me? Of course you can. With a single word. One look. An action. You can break my heart. This time forever.
And yet i trust you. Implicitely.
I've never felt the way you make me feel. I've never let my walls down. I've been hurt by my friends. By my family. By my ex husband. By my boyfriend's. Cheated on. Beaten. Manipulated. Betrayed.
And yet I trust you. With 20 years.
Why? Because I know this is it. Because I know that just as I am scared so are you. Because I know we only get one soulmate. And I cannot believe I've found him.
And so 5B. Be mine. Love me. Choose me. Trust me. And I promise you, I will love you until the end of days.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Monday, October 30, 2017
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
My 5B
Life can be cruel.
It often makes us believe that we are blessed, abundant, safe.
And then it laughs in our faces as it pulls our rugs out from under us.
As we get older, we encounter this experience many times.
We build out bubbles up, feather our nests, count our blessings, plan our futures, and then BAM! Rug pulled.
We begin wearing our rugs. Believing that if we throw them over our shoulders, let everybody see, they won't be stolen.
Life sees, grins, and bides it's time. It knows that sooner or later, we will get hot, and toss our rugs off, or leave them behind, and then, it's itchy fingers start pulling at the ends. And before you know it, rug gone.
I made a decision many years ago, not to have any rugs. To have my children, to have my company, and for that to be the sum total. Some friends, and a little family were allowed, but these were more like scatter cushions. Beautiful, and comfy, but if they are stolen, we shall still survive.
And then, I turned 41. I know, it's such a weird age for fairy dust and magic sparkles to appear, but they did. The even before my birthday I granted myself the gift of being loved, should it present itself. And four days later, the rug was thrown over me, when the most beautiful boy kissed me. This rug is thick, and colourful, and luxurious. And I cannot wait to sit on it, lie down on it, and roll around a little.
Turns out, rugs may come and sometimes they may even go. But life without a rug, life without love, life without taking a chance, is like just opening your eyes to stare at the roof above you. Open your eyes. Sit up. Stand up, walk around. Look at the beauty and wonder all around you. Embrace it, and allow it to happen.
Yes, you may be hurt. Your world could come crashing in. But, imagine if it doesn't?
Be kind to yourself. And your rugs.
It often makes us believe that we are blessed, abundant, safe.
And then it laughs in our faces as it pulls our rugs out from under us.
As we get older, we encounter this experience many times.
We build out bubbles up, feather our nests, count our blessings, plan our futures, and then BAM! Rug pulled.
We begin wearing our rugs. Believing that if we throw them over our shoulders, let everybody see, they won't be stolen.
Life sees, grins, and bides it's time. It knows that sooner or later, we will get hot, and toss our rugs off, or leave them behind, and then, it's itchy fingers start pulling at the ends. And before you know it, rug gone.
I made a decision many years ago, not to have any rugs. To have my children, to have my company, and for that to be the sum total. Some friends, and a little family were allowed, but these were more like scatter cushions. Beautiful, and comfy, but if they are stolen, we shall still survive.
And then, I turned 41. I know, it's such a weird age for fairy dust and magic sparkles to appear, but they did. The even before my birthday I granted myself the gift of being loved, should it present itself. And four days later, the rug was thrown over me, when the most beautiful boy kissed me. This rug is thick, and colourful, and luxurious. And I cannot wait to sit on it, lie down on it, and roll around a little.
Turns out, rugs may come and sometimes they may even go. But life without a rug, life without love, life without taking a chance, is like just opening your eyes to stare at the roof above you. Open your eyes. Sit up. Stand up, walk around. Look at the beauty and wonder all around you. Embrace it, and allow it to happen.
Yes, you may be hurt. Your world could come crashing in. But, imagine if it doesn't?
Be kind to yourself. And your rugs.
Monday, October 23, 2017
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Chapter 2 - the first date
I know that we have been alone before, and I know that we have spent time just the two of us staring into each other's eyes, but nothing quite seals the deal like that first date.
I kind of asked him if he would like to meet for a drink and then he said no..... let's have a date night. My heart skipped a beat and I said yes. (Obviously in a very cool and calm way because we can't let him KNOW our heart responds this way....)
Three sleeps took ridiculously long. Like who knew that time actually physically DOES stand still? Eventually the night comes along. He is fetching me..... this means I cannot drive myself. I cannot be independent. Already the anxiety sets in. He was late - by a whopping ten minutes. The audacity. I climb into the car and there is this face....... this face that I see in my dreams and every time I close my eyes. The beautiful eyes, the amazing smile. And everything else fades away.
We went for dinner. It was lovely. The conversation just flowed, and didn't ever stop for one second except when our mouths were full or we were grinning at each other from across the table. And then the bill was paid (like there is something wrong with my money? I am a strong independent woman! But oh so glorious to feel spoiled and invested in - don't tell him that.)
Then time for a few drinks and a little dancing and socialising. Where we held hands! (but people can see?) And even did a little kissing (again, there are lights on!) People seemed happy for us. Both of us. And could not stop raving about this beautiful heart beating in the body next to mine, and how much he deserved to be loved and appreciated (Must be his lucky day as there is NOBODY better at loving somebody than me.Just saying. Best lover in the world badge for me)
At a respectable time, after having the car door opened for me all evening, and some heart-stopping kisses, I arrived home. The being driven around part (the horror) was actually bearable. In fact not just bearable but wonderful. How surprising. Having the door opened for me (like there is something wrong with my hands) - a treat. Being claimed as his own by a beautiful creature (or just a big bad biker boy - BBBB), as awful as that may sound, made my heart burst.
Having being so scared of love for so long, and so convinced that my life was complete, and my story whole, what a surprise to discover that actually, it is amazing. It is fabulous it is intoxicating.
Thank you Hayley for allowing yourself to lower the drawbridge and allow somebody in. Thank you my BBBB for just being you. Perfect in your entirety.
Thank you love and the universe for perfect timing.
Be kind to one another.
I kind of asked him if he would like to meet for a drink and then he said no..... let's have a date night. My heart skipped a beat and I said yes. (Obviously in a very cool and calm way because we can't let him KNOW our heart responds this way....)
Three sleeps took ridiculously long. Like who knew that time actually physically DOES stand still? Eventually the night comes along. He is fetching me..... this means I cannot drive myself. I cannot be independent. Already the anxiety sets in. He was late - by a whopping ten minutes. The audacity. I climb into the car and there is this face....... this face that I see in my dreams and every time I close my eyes. The beautiful eyes, the amazing smile. And everything else fades away.
We went for dinner. It was lovely. The conversation just flowed, and didn't ever stop for one second except when our mouths were full or we were grinning at each other from across the table. And then the bill was paid (like there is something wrong with my money? I am a strong independent woman! But oh so glorious to feel spoiled and invested in - don't tell him that.)
Then time for a few drinks and a little dancing and socialising. Where we held hands! (but people can see?) And even did a little kissing (again, there are lights on!) People seemed happy for us. Both of us. And could not stop raving about this beautiful heart beating in the body next to mine, and how much he deserved to be loved and appreciated (Must be his lucky day as there is NOBODY better at loving somebody than me.Just saying. Best lover in the world badge for me)
At a respectable time, after having the car door opened for me all evening, and some heart-stopping kisses, I arrived home. The being driven around part (the horror) was actually bearable. In fact not just bearable but wonderful. How surprising. Having the door opened for me (like there is something wrong with my hands) - a treat. Being claimed as his own by a beautiful creature (or just a big bad biker boy - BBBB), as awful as that may sound, made my heart burst.
Having being so scared of love for so long, and so convinced that my life was complete, and my story whole, what a surprise to discover that actually, it is amazing. It is fabulous it is intoxicating.
Thank you Hayley for allowing yourself to lower the drawbridge and allow somebody in. Thank you my BBBB for just being you. Perfect in your entirety.
Thank you love and the universe for perfect timing.
Be kind to one another.
Monday, October 16, 2017
Friday, October 6, 2017
Putting it out there
I have never had much good luck with relationships. With my parents, with my extended family, and especially with my significant others. My marriage ended dismally, and for a long time I just have believed that it is not my lot in life. I have a good life. I have two amazing kids, a very fulfilling job, wonderful friends, and fabulous animals - I am busy, I am filled.
Part of my job entails travelling. I climb into my car, or onto a plane, and I leave for beautiful, magical places. I absolutely love encountering new people, new destinations, and sitting staring, breathless, at our stunning South African landscape. And this is where, somehow, my fillness, becomes ever-so-slightly, unfilled. Like one second I am fine, I am happy, I am joyous, and then I turn around to share the sight - shout enthusiastically to my partner - and the bugger is not there. And then I remember.... oh ja - I am busy, I am filled.
Having a boyfriend would be a lot of work. I would have to feed him, play with him, probably even have to dress him. What a chunk of time out of my busy filledness.
I have a whole story already, at 41. Having a boyfriend would mean I would have to start at chapter one and explain how I became me. I would have to explain my hurt, reveal my pain, and show myself bare and exposed. How can anybody this busy, possibly dedicate that amount of time to another human? I am filled.
And then I went on a magical retreat a few weeks ago with a magical mentor. All the single ladies there were talking about how they would love a partner and I am just thinking - HMPH how uNbusy are these chicks? How uNFilled are they? Shame...... me? No time. No space. Totally filled.
A week later I turned 41, and I wrote down the things I would allow myself this year, and the last part of it read.... And should the right situation come along, I give myself the gift of being loved.
Five days later I was kissed. By the most incredible. amazing man I have met in years, if not in my lifetime. In front of a whole room of people. Was he crazy? I am busy! And super filled! And yet, what a delicious feeling is this? Every text from that day till this, a champagne bubble of excitement. Every meeting, every chance I catch his eye, my breath stops in my throat.
Was I merely waiting to give myself the gift? Allow myself the chance to be loved? Treasured? I do not know, but I guarantee I will NOT be too busy to give you the latest as soon as I read the next chapter. To be continued!
Be kind to one another <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)