What are you not going to do this year?

 What a topic. Turns out I am not going to go out, I am not going to see my friends or family often, buy alcohol, go away on a holiday, use my passport, or leave the province!

 

I haven’t been to a funeral, or a birthday party, or kissed my mom. I haven’t been able to hug my sisters or smile at a stranger in the shops.

 

But what I have managed to do, is support. To build new relationships. To strengthen old ones. To rediscover my family and what they mean to me.

 

I have spent hours talking to people. Falling in love with hearts. With fighting spirits. With brave and strong men and women. Watched people’s eyes. Seen their pain. Their frustration. Their loss and their fear. Seen how they get up, and move forward, and persevere. And smile through their eyes, determined that tomorrow will be a better day.

 

I have learned that my own company is pretty good. That I am okay on my own, and that I will always be okay. That the people I spend my time with, I choose to do so. That just as I am so fortunate to be surrounded by them, they are lucky to have me in their lives. That I bring sunshine and not rain as much as possible. That I will build up and support where I can and not tear down with words or actions. And that I am never going to underestimate who I am again.

 

I am not going to have unspoken words on my heart or regret in my soul. I am never going to live for yesterday again but always for today. Because that is my present.

 

 

What skill would you love to learn right now?

 Well the answer is always simple for me. Self love. If it takes me the rest of my journey here that’s also okay. To love myself totally. In my entirety.

 

I loathed myself for so many years that it has taken a long time to get to the point I am in my life now. Where I am satisfied. And I have a little crush on myself. Like, I could totally take me for coffee, or drinks, or a movie. Hell I may even like myself enough at this stage that I would want me as a girlfriend. I can see my attributes. I see my heart, I see my soul, and I see my intentions. And those are dam amazing. For others. Always. Like I could DEFINITELY date them. Hell I could even move in with them! but the rest……… not so sure.

 

No matter what there always just seems to be that voice. When you catch a brief look of yourself in the mirror in passing. OH MY GAWD can you do something with that hair? Maybe even pluck your eyebrows once in a while scarecrow. *runs past the mirror in fear*

 

Later on, doing some work, and I look down at my hands. EXCUSE ME HAYLEY. Are you a man or a woman? Do you even know? can you put some effort in? where is your nailpolish? Why aren’t they long and gorgeous? No wonder you don’t have a boyfriend. GIVES WORK UP AS A BAD IDEA.

 

Decides she definitely needs to go for a walk to clear her head. Feels amazing. fresh air in my lungs and birds and nature around me. SEES REFLECTION ON THE TAR. Good God thunder thighs can you do something about the ground shaking!!!???

 

In all seriousness, its something I have to work on. Something that has held me back for so long. Hearing other peoples voices in my head. Remembering what they said, how they made me feel. Associating that with violence. With abuse. And back to being scared and defenceless and plain unworthy.

 

We all have that voice. Those all too critical eyes. But the skill I want, no I NEED to master, is self-love. I need to remember just how beautiful this girl is. All that she has been through. And high 5 her every chance I get. Because she is a dam warrior, and a fighter, and a champion

 

Be kind to yourself.