Holidays

The annual December shutdown is upon us all. And speaking entirely for myself, it cannot come fast enough.

This year has been manic. Its been unsettled, its been hard, its been emotionally draining. People have been abusive, nasty, vindictive, and downright horrible. Companies have closed, money has been in scarcity, South Africans have left our beautiful country by the thousands.

Violence has been the name of the game, and anarchy, and fear. Droughts, heat waves and deprivation.

AND YET. There is so much to be grateful for. We live in such a beautiful country. Filled with the most amazing people. People who have banded together, raised each other up, dragged each other through the hardships and have stood victoriously on the other side, no matter how big or small the battle.

The economy remained stable. New businesses have started and stayed open. Employment has been created. And most importantly, love has remained.

Love for our families, however tarnished they may be. Love for ourselves, warts and all. Love for our battered and bruised South Africa, and love for the people in our lives.

And during this holiday time, is that not where our focus should be fixed firmly? Spending time to fix the battered, nurse the disjointed, and repair the rifts. Time to not just be busy and frantic, but to listen. To love, and to care?

Personally the last few weeks have felt like I would be better off marooned on an island, far far away. But I know on a cellular level, the people I share my story with are my life. They make me tick. They make me feel whole. They add to my purpose and fill me with love. No it should not take December, or holidays, to make me whole again, but our souls are tired. They are exhausted from fighting the good fight on a daily basis, as if we don’t, we are surely done for, and the world has no place for people who lie down and play dead.

So just for today, fight. Breathe. Look forward. Because even if you do not have leave coming your way, or a lavish holiday. Even if you do not have family or friends that you will be sharing your time with, you have YOU. You have a magical new DECADE coming. Where you get to write on a brand new page, with bright shiny letters. Let these holidays bring for you a new start. A new hope. A new love. May 2020 be phenomenal for us all.

Learning to say no....

This has always been extremely hard for me. As a child I was extremely unpopular, and there were many children who bullied me. I desired acceptance, I yearned to be loved, and so if I was asked ANYTHING, my answer would be yes. Can you do my homework for me? Sure. Will you give me your lunch money? Of course. Can I have your sandwich? With pleasure. Surely if these children are asking you for things, they must like you?

Filter it through to my personal life. Hayley are you going to drink this alcohol? Of course, yes. Hayls do you want this drug? Why not! And the list went on and on, of things I should have said no to at the time, having a resounding yes coming put my mouth instead, just in different forms.

Fast forward into my twenties, and my thirties. Can you help me with this? Will you lend me your car? May I borrow R10 000? The streams of yeses were ridiculous, and way out of control. Until one day, I realised that I didn’t need to please these people. I came to see that the only person that needed to be happy in my life was me. And that if I was happy, those around me would be too, because it would flow out of me. Not in an obvious or awkward way, but in a beautiful way, that would attract people to me, to my space, and to my bubble. Who knew that what I had been chasing so fervently my whole life, meant making me happy and whole first?

Learning to say no is so difficult. We are terrified of being rejected, ridiculed, mocked. But until we start, we do not realise the value of us. Of our time, of our happiness, of our worth. Take a small step, and know that you are not alone.

Authenticity

This is something I have struggled with so much in my life. Growing up, we didn’t have much money. I went to a very good primary school and was surrounded by exceptionally rich children on all sides. Although I was awarded a bursary for Grade 8, I begged my parents to please move me to another school, which they did. Here I had an opportunity to totally reinvent myself, be a new person, because nobody liked Junior School Hayley, not even Hayley. She was soft, she was super smart, and a real do-gooder.

So come high school, I now had the opportunity to become Cool Hayley. She was a terror to teachers, and didn’t care about her school work, but man was she popular. Other girls wished they could be as daring as I was. I was on fire. My marks were shocking, and my reputation quite tatty with the teachers, but finally I was accepted and I was cool!

And then I left school, and started clubbing with my best friend from childhood (actually who am I kidding, Cool Hayley started catching trains into Joburg CBD at 15). And now I was competing with her for the attention of boys. Never having been particularly pretty, or having the nicest clothes, or hair style, I morphed into the person I saw she was when she spoke to boys. I tried my best to imitate her every move.

Then I raced straight into moving in with my boyfriend, and by 22 I was engaged and a mom. So my twenties were all about being first a wife and mom, and then a single mom, and by the time I turned around, I was late thirties and I had no clue who Hayley was. Cool, nerdy, mommy, who knew what the DNA was, and what made the engine run. Sure as hell not her!

I was superbly fortunate in that I was nudged at the age of 37 by meeting some phenomenal life teachers, who made me see that I was not only okay, no matter what life, ,y family, my friends, my teachers had told me. I was in fact INCREDIBLE and I could stop fighting EVERYBODY and be at peace with Hayley the Authentic. That people would not only like her, but love her. that marching to the beat of her own drum was something that made her actually create her OWN music! My path is ever ongoing, but how I wish I had known from a young age that I would be okay. that the Universe had me and what a beautiful butterfly I would one day be.

Just be you, everybody else is taken.

Fear is a 4 letter word

As a South African, specifically a South African woman, over the past few months, fear has been palpable. We have all felt it, we have all seen how other women have been affected by it.

We have watched as people around our country, men and women alike, have stood up and said NO MORE! We have bandied around the weak. We have encouraged and motivated the scared. We have taken to the streets to make our voices heard. Support groups have been started. Facebook pages with over half a million followers have simply popped up, stating that they refuse to leave the country, and that they want to STAY and make our country better and healthier and safer for us all/

So where the politicians, and powers that be, have mongered fear. Stirred up our anxiety, and made us afraid to even exist, the people are saying its ENOUGH! Nobody is naive. We are aware that there has been so much damage caused. We know that we need to look forward, and not backwards, and we need to brace ourselves for the crime that still is very much a part of our every day lives. But we need to create jobs. We need to help people be trained, and find employment, so that crime is not the natural reaction.

We need to stand together and combined, declare, that FEAR IS A FOUR LETTER WORD!

Meaningful weekends

What a subjective topic to write about. First we have to decide what gives our lives meaning. For me, meaning comes from the people in my life. I know rest and relaxation is very important for us human beings, especially those of us older than thirty! However, sometimes R&R has to come second to my people. Take this last weekend as an example.

I went to a day jol for a local motorbike club. I partied like it was 1989 let alone 1999, and it took me not one, not two, but THREE days to recover. Which sounds like a very harsh punishment. However, it was a beautiful, amazing gift that was given to me instead. I was surrounded by so many people that love me and who I love. Awesome music, belly laughs (so so many of those!) and happiness.

So for me, my weekend was definitely meaningful. And I am so grateful for that.

Other weekends have come and gone in the blink of an eye, and you wonder why? Before you know it, you blink and its Sunday.

And the reason, I think, is meaning. Substance. What makes your heart soar? If its solitude, GIVE yourself that gift. If its people, throw yourself in their midst. If its music, pump it up loud and let EVERYBODY watch you.

And while you are about it, don’t wait for Friday. Or Thursday. Or any day. Add meaning to your life now. Today. Give yourself the amazing gift of the present.

And be kind to yourself.

Appreciating the lessons from the elderly

I remember as a child, listening to my mom and dad speak, listening to grannies and grandpas talk about in their day…. How things were so cheap. How people were so much better. How society was so bad. And thinking…. What on earth do you know?

Now, I am 42. I look around. At my friends’ children. At my own children. And I think… wow. When I was that age, it sure was different. I look at prices and think… when I started driving, I could fill my whole car with R50! I look at the way people speak to each other. I observe the anger, the aggression, and I think… when did people start behaving this way?

So… I guess what I am saying, is that I am now, elderly by default. Does that make me wrong? Absolutely not. Does it make the rest of the world wrong? No. It just means that the times are changing. Very rapidly.

Whole societies, whole cultures, the whole of civilisation in fact, is based on stories. Stories passed down from their elders. Folklore. Myth. Rumours. All filter down to the next generation and opinions are formed. Forming a basis of culture. Of belief. These lessons teach us who we are, where we come from, and help us decide who we want to be.

So the next time somebody tells you how they had to walk barefoot, 50 kms to school, listen to them. don’t roll your eyes. See if there is a lesson in there for you. a reason to celebrate or appreciate. Remember, getting old is not a luxury afforded to everybody.

Cancerversary

When Kim gave me this topic, I had to rack my brain. You see, I never had cancer. I had a breast disease that resulted in a double mastectomy and changed my very soul forever.

And so I feel like a bit of a fraud when I am writing about a cancerversary. However, I will go with my experience and with what I went through, as an indication of just how bad it really must be to be a true cancer survivor.

I was 39 at the time. I have battled with my left breast for most of my adult life, and was eventually diagnosed, after many misdiagnoses, with papillomatosis. By then, I had had four operations, and much pain and discomfort. When I was eventually told by my amazing Doctor that I needed to have most of the tissue in my left breast removed and would lose my nipple, I was shattered. But it was either that or develop either breast or skin cancer, and so I went ahead.

Had I known now, what waited for me on the other side of this decision, I may very well have changed my mind. I was very slow in healing and was at the wound clinic of the Milpark twice a week, every week, for dressings to be changed and drains cleaned and replaced, for the next eight weeks. Was very nearly not allowed to go on the holiday of a lifetime to Australia I had booked months before.

I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t get my children to and from school, buy groceries, wash dishes, even bath on my own.

I packed on weight, my entire body shape changed. I lost my hair due to the hormones and anxiety and stress. I cried more tears than I thought my body could retain. Friends and family were few and far between. My 15 year old daughter helped me with every single task I had to perform, and without her I would surely not have had the guts. to bear that burden. Nikita thank you my darling for being my strength when I was indeed weak.

To those amazing souls who have to undergo this and so so much more, while dealing with their mortality, I take my hat off and I salute you. Thank you and there, but for the grace of God, do we all go.

LAUGH MORE

Life is so serious

People are so serious. Who can blame them? We live in a world with so much hatred, so much violence, so many reasons to be angry.

Road rage is prevalent, xenophobia rages, unrest, both politically and economically are the order of the day. But so are strokes, cancers, and other lifestyle diseases.

If we don’t all take a step back, and just allow life to have some beauty, and some calm, we will all implode.

So what is the solution? How do we go about this? The solution, is simple. Laugh more. Allow life to become silly again. Not so serious. Not so taxing.

Our debts will still be there in the morning. Our failed relationships, our real life problems. But we can allow ourselves just a brief moment of happiness. Of joy. Of laughter. Start off by smiling at a stranger. Just practice. Next time you are in a shop paying for your groceries, smile at the teller. Greet the gentleman assisting you with your petrol.

And you will find that your heart will get lighter and lighter day by day as you practice this.

Smiling is one thing, but how do you get yourself to laugh? Children never battle. They can laugh hysterically at the smallest thing. So find yourself a child. One of your own. A niece, a nephew. Ask them to tell you a joke. And then you try. Put on some good old fashioned Leon Schuster, and let him appeal to your South Africa humour. Practice. Try. Let it become a way of life for you again.

Life is so precious, and we only get one. Live it.

Finding peace within

Star signs mean different things for different people. I am a Libran, and according to Astrology this means I am constantly seeking balance. The truth is, that this is one hundred percent accurate. I seek balance in every single life decision, every single minute of every single day.

Simple decisions can take me hours. Because I need to know that it is fair. I need to know that it is right. As a result, my soul is in constant disarray. It’s almost like a pillow fight in there, things get flung around constantly. Nasty words, mud, love, kindness, good intentions, hatred.

So for me, my life journey is about finding peace within. Loving myself. Knowing that I am worthy. Knowing I am enough. Knowing that if I have hurt people, it wasn’t my intention. Knowing that if people have hurt me, it’s not my place to anguish over whether it was intentional or not. That’s not my journey or my burden.

One of my most beloved life teachers once berated me severely.  She said I walk down my life path picking up items that are not mine. I ‘steal’ other people’s problems, responsibilities, and lessons and pick them up and put them on my own shoulders. She asked me who I thought I was, that these people were being deprived of such valuable lessons. How profound that moment was for me and since then I have always attempted to leave them be. I am not helping, I am hindering.

This has indeed assisted me greatly. And me being conscious of my turmoil, and trying to treat it with love instead of contempt, has too.

And so, have I found Nirvana? No I have not. But my moments of inner peace have absolutely been more frequent, and more intentioned. And I am a continual work in progress. Every single day. Until I am no longer on this plane. And for that, I am supremely grateful

GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY

And another topic that I have had to rack my brains for. I have given back my entire life. To other people. To organisations. To friends. To family. And I find myself in a phase of my life where I no longer want to. Because I feel like at some stage, I have to also be able to receive.

Its not that I am not open to receive. I am. Its not that I detest the idea of giving back. I don’t. I just feel like at some stage my turn needs to come back. There are many people in need. Especially in South Africa. And I am so aware that I have so much more than so many people around me. And as I sit here, on Human Rights Day, I realise just how selfish that seems.

I realise that giving back, helping other people, is what makes Hayley, Hayley. And that I never ever must stop. Yes people take advantage, yes people use you. But then what about those that you are saving? What about those that, without your assistance, would be 5 steps backwards? Without your smiling face, your kind word, your hug, would not have been able to face another day?

So thank you Kim. I will never ever stop giving back. To the community, to the world. I have a place here. And I intend to fill it as brightly as I can with every opportunity I am given.

Love yourself to find love

The topic this month really has me racking my brain. It keeps sounding like a contradiction to me. Surely as a human being we all have the right to be loved? So why does one need to love yourself to find love?

For me, it feels better and sits better if we rather say – Love yourself to find the love you deserve. See, anybody can love you. However, if you do not love yourself, you would gladly accept mediocre love. Poisonous love. Toxic love. You don’t see yourself worth much more, and its still love, right?

Wrong! Throughout my life I have experienced a lot of toxic love. Thinking it was pure and believing it to be good for me. The people closest to me all told me that I was making a mistake. That this love was not pure, that this love was unhealthy. I did not listen, always preferring to hit my head numerous times before ever learning my lesson. When eventually my blinkers fell away and I saw what I had allowed close to me, I could leave it behind. I could set a new goalpost and move forward.

As I have learned to love myself more and more through my journey, my teachers, my guides, I have got closer and closer to finding the love I deserve with each failed friendship and each failed romance. If I spend the rest of my time searching, and perfecting, that will also be okay. But in the meantime, I am loving myself, and I am finding the love I deserve.

Be kind to yourself

GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY

And another topic that I have had to rack my brains for. I have given back my entire life. To other people. To organisations. To friends. To family. And I find myself in a phase of my life where I no longer want to. Because I feel like at some stage, I have to also be able to receive.

Its not that I am not open to receive. I am. Its not that I detest the idea of giving back. I don’t. I just feel like at some stage my turn needs to come back. There are many people in need. Especially in South Africa. And I am so aware that I have so much more than so many people around me. And as I sit here, on Human Rights Day, I realise just how selfish that seems.

I realise that giving back, helping other people, is what makes Hayley, Hayley. And that I never ever must stop. Yes people take advantage, yes people use you. But then what about those that you are saving? What about those that, without your assistance, would be 5 steps backwards? Without your smiling face, your kind word, your hug, would not have been able to face another day?

So thank you Kim. I will never ever stop giving back. To the community, to the world. I have a place here. And I intend to fill it as brightly as I can with every opportunity I am given.

Prioritize yourself

I was raised believing that taking care of your physical appearance is vanity. That spending time doing something you alone wanted to was selfish. That it is better to give than to receive.

When I became a spiritual adult, a learning enquiring soul on my life’s journey looking for answers, I started finding many loopholes in my childhood beliefs and learnings. I questioned everything I had been taught. I started unlearning and taking on new beliefs. One of my first life lessons was that you cannot pour from an empty vessel.

So yes, absolutely give, but make sure you have something that you can physically part with. Be it money, or energy, or love.

Yes, some people are natural givers, but most people find it far easier to take what is given to them than to worry about its origins. Nobody will worry about whether you have surplus enabling you to part with some, they will be sure to take and receive what they need.

So who checks in on you? Who makes sure that you have reserves? Or even sufficiency? That, my friend, is YOUR job. Nobody else can make you happy, nobody else can make you love yourself, nobody else can appreciate you until YOU gift it to YOURSELF. Massages, medicals, clothing, decent underwear, a haircut, exercise, finances, spiritual gifts – only you can ensure that you have these. It creates so much jealousy and resentment, whether intentional or not, when everybody around you has what they need, because you have ensured it is so, and you have nothing. Or insufficient.

And the truth is, you deserve so much. Make sure that you are acknowledge your worth and that you truly do prioritize your needs. Prioritize yourself. It’s the least you can do.