I struggle with this question every single
day. not with friends, not with partners, or even colleagues. The place I struggle
the most with this, is my family.
My siblings, and cousins, and my mom –
super easy to answer. I love them unconditionally. Obviously the same goes for
my children. Both those that are mine biologically and those that are mine
through years of fostering and love.
But family, its always been a tricky one
for me. so much confusion between obligation, the old auspices of blood being thicker
than water, and genuine affection.
Obligations have always been a noose around
my neck. Pleasing people. doing the
right thing. As the black sheep of the family, I always had a push and a pull –
push to do the wrong thing because its what everybody expects anyway (I was the
black sheep before I even STARTED behaving like one) or pull to do the thing
that your heart says is right, and then having so much guilt if you do the
wrong thing, but being so dam pissed off when you do the right thing, because nobody
even acknowledges you anyway!
Recently I have had a family member who
would otherwise be destitute, come to stay on my property. As somebody who
values privacy more than anything else, it was a really rough decision to make.
As somebody who is in a relatively new relationship, in the year of COVID, its
not ideal. All my money I had been saving to go and visit my daughter in
America for her 21st birthday, has gone into renovating a flat for
him. Making it secure, making it tech-friendly, really making it home.
And yet this person has oozed nothing but
negativity since arriving. The very air around me feels tight, as though I cannot
breathe. And I feel like I am slowly sinking while we wait for it to be
finished and for him to be totally self contained
He abused myself, my mom, and my sisters
for years. And yet here I am sacrificing my money and my sanity to help him
out. So again I ask – how do you know if its love?
