A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with one
of my greatest teachers. Unfortunately we do not get as many opportunities to
connect in the year as I would like, but when we do, I really make sure to
enjoy every second. This time we met, she asked me, with Nikita leaving, what I
was filling the hole in my being with. When I asked what she meant, she said
its quite simple – when we lose things, or people, through death, relocation,
breaking up, disappearance, or even a plain simple falling out, they leave a
hole. And its up to us what we will this hole with – alcohol, exercise,
hobbies, pain, misery, or joy. That I should always trust the Universe. Let me
start at the beginning…..
The past few weeks have been very trying
for me. Initially on a personal level, with my beautiful daughter and soul
sister leaving for an experience of a lifetime, to go and au-pair in the USA,
and then shortly thereafter, my 2IC and professional lifeblood, advising me
that she had been offered a role she just couldn’t refuse and would be leaving
at the end of February.
I was left reeling. How could I survive
without the two pillars in my life? Were either leaving my solar system? No.
They were merely relocating. Living their dreams. Finding their soulpaths.
My initial reaction to my GM resigning was
sheer panic. Shortness of breath, feelings that the sky was falling in. I could
never cope on my own. EVER. I was not strong enough, resourceful enough, clever
enough. And so instead of responding to her verbal resignation and engaging in
a conversation, my brain went into an overdrive of negativity and paralysis,
and all I could muster was ‘Oh wow’.
I walked away feeling as if the ground was
shaking below my feet. Unsure of how to go forward, and even unsure if I could.
And in that moment, deep within, I heard a voice saying – let go and trust the
Universe. And so I did. My actions over the last few weeks have all been
directed by a Force very far from my logical mind. And in this chaos, and in
this absolute place of fear, so much has been grown and started and fertilised,
and developed, and as much as I let go, so I am guided.
In looking within, so I am being grown
without. Ever in awe and gratitude.
