Being normal

Somebody recently pointed out that I'm not very normal. And it hurt my feelings. Because much as I advocate being unique and loving yourself and being you, it's so much harder to practice than preach.

And I spent today wondering about my normalcy. Wondering why I am so very different. In good and in not so good ways. And I thought possibly somebody else needed to read this. So here we go. 

As usual, if you dont want to read it please scroll on by.

I went to a good junior school. My parents sacrificed everything to send me there. But what happens when you are overweight and wear hand me down clothes AND happen to be one of the smartest in your grade is you get teased. You get looked down on. And you are ultimately rejected.

Roll on high school. Where I could be anything I wanted to be in my new beginning, I chose POPULAR. which to a 13 year old meant rebelling and getting as much negative attention as I could. This meant that i disrupted classes, caused general havoc, and ended up being despised by my peers as I caused their time to be wasted and often incurred punishments for the whole class. 

Mix in a tumultuous home life which was not happy and where you never felt belonging, and you have an 18 year old gone wild. Willing to try anything once. Or twice for fun. And so I did. This made me resent myself wholeheartedly for bad decisions and crazy Choices.

Leave home desperate to find normal and end up with the wrong partner. In the wrong environment. Living the wrong life. 

And so it goes. Always searching. Always yearning for acceptance and to fit in. And just never quite finding it.

And voila

Years later you are an adult wh0 has done their best to provide and to love and who missed the mark on loving and providing to me. 

Throw into the mix a star sign that symbolizes balance. A balance you've never ever achieved. And you have the least normal result.

Somebody who can be irrational. Somebody who can be jealous and hateful. Somebody who so easily sees negative and has to work consciously to ever find the good. Somebody who is insecure and neurotic. Somebody who is moody and sulky. 

But also somebody filled with so much love and loyalty for those who manage to find her good. Somebody who will always give to others in need

 Somebody who will try and inspire and motivate and grow every being around her. 

So yes

I'm not normal. I'm broken

But I'm human

And I'm trying my best. 

So to anybody I have hurt or ignored or made feel less than, I am sorry. And I love you

How do you know your soul is fed?

Well maybe a good question to start with is – does your soul need to be fed? If so, what feeds it? And how much does it need to be fed?

So my answer is YES! You can feel the difference on days where your heart is happy, your purpose being lived. You can feel the sunlight on your skin, you seem to notice the birds in the trees, and the butterflies in the sky. Sounds somewhat like a Disney movie, and this is how life is meant to be lived. To capacity. In gratitude and in the present.

I brought my children up on holidays in the Kruger Park. Camping, sharing ablutions, and eating most meals from cans. This was what budgets allowed for and it was pure heaven! We laughed, we joked, we played games, and we were immersed in nature. These times were when my soul soared. When I could feel that if I was any more content, I may just explode. This is when I realised how neglected my soul was on a daily basis. How what I had been craving and longing for was fresh air, sunshine, happiness, and love. How simple and how easy!

And yet we forget. We feed our egos. We feed our brains. We feed our bodies. And so we carry on day after day week after week. Being in lockdown sure has not helped our mental state, nor has it helped our physical state. I spent so much of it in paralysing fear and terror of the unknown. I forgot about sunshine. I forgot about the birds in the trees. I forgot about play and love and gratitude and joy. I could only see the darkness.

And now, I have realised that my soul needs some loving. That I am feeling hollow and lonely because I put my lid on. I didn’t allow myself to be open. To allow myself to receive. It felt far better to wallow. And all my indoor plants have died because I refused them water and sunlight. And so now, time to start again. Time to plant my seeds, time to nurture them, and time to start feeding my soul again.

The world is in turmoil, yes, but I don’t need to be. I can look after my state of mind. I can watch how I interact, and I can start to germinate others afresh, just as I grow again.

Be kind to yourself