As you lay sleeping

As you lay sleeping
I realise we will never have a baby together
But that we have brought new life to each other

As you lay sleeping
I realise that you loved them
That they're in your story
But the chapters done

As you lay sleeping
I realise that every desire I've ever had is wrapped up in a curly headed boy

As you lay sleeping
I realise why it's never worked out with other people
We were destined for each other

As you lay sleeping
I feel the broken pieces finding each other
My heart becoming whole once again

As you lay sleeping i realise that you're my future Taylor.
And it's a brand new book.
Let's make it count.

Wayne.

They smile
They laugh
They cry
They love

They act
They deceive
They lie
They kill
And then they die
Why do the innocents, those that God designed
Be the offerings, the examples, and devastate the ones they leave behind?

Why did you leave us, it wasn't your turn to go 
Why did they choose you? I don't think even they know

We miss you
We mourn
We seek
We question
We persecute
And yet our load is never left behind

Why did you leave us?
Why was it you?
You'd be so proud of her
Your girl, your life, your babygirl

Until we meet again, or so they say
Until we meet again, I will miss you every day.

Monday motivational: Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear - George Addair

What holds you back

I recently started dating somebody. One of the first statements I made to him was, ‘I am a strong independent woman’. Quite proudly. Quite amazed that I found myself infatuated with this boy because I don’t allow myself to get close. So the best buffer I could was to flaunt my strength and my independence.

Why was it necessary? Why was this one of the first statements I uttered to him?

Because I was scared. Still am. I have had my heart broken. So have we all, right? My husband left me for another woman when I was seven months pregnant with his son. And I think for me that broke any bit of fundamental hope I had in ever meeting a nice boy. Or being loved. Or being nurtured.

I tried dating after that. Really hard. I attempted putting myself out there. I didn’t want to get bitter. I didn’t want to feel like my love life was over before I even turned 30.

But try as I might, I did not meet anybody for me. I met people, but my soul knew, they were somebody else’s happily ever afters. So I threw them back into the ocean.

Closed my heart off, erected a wall, threw some barbed wire on top for good measure, and called it a day. Had a wonderful life. Met people. Raised my kids. Travelled. Studied. Ran my business. Grew it. Learned about myself. Discovered so much about people and about life.

Contented. Complete. Fulfilled. But TOTALLY love averse. After all, if your family lets you down, your husband lets you down, your friends let you down, lets be honest. The safest bet is the convent.

And then I met the boy I was meant to be with all along. Just one random day. And I realized. I was NOT strong and independent. I was scared. Fear had been holding me back all along. But I am so glad it did, because it let go at just the right time, and propelled me straight into his arms. I didn’t have a chance to think, I just did.

Fear held me back – what holds you back? What would you do tomorrow if there was no more barriers?

Be kind to one another.

Monday motivational: Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage - Anais Zin

The Clouds

Sometimes I catch myself, staring out the window
Watching the clouds in the sky
Lost in thought
And I drift away
Each cloud for me symbolises people who have floated in and out of my life
Some of them were wispy....
Some spread too thin
Some were larger than life
Some brought thunder and lightening
And there were those that were full of tears!
But after the wisps, the thunder and lightening, and the tears, the clouds were gone
The sky was as blue as could be
And the sun was revealed
Just when I thought I would never find my sun
He appeared
As though beckoned
As though my mind and heart had been calling out to him all along, but he couldn't reach me because the clouds were blocking  him
Making noises from the thunder, creating flashes from the lightening
Betraying and exhausting with their flimsiness 
And he finally filled my horizon, started my every day, and ended my every evening
And our sunrise has only just began, and our sunset will never materialise
I will live my days with my sun, shining, warming me, brightening my skies
And I will love him until his ray is extinguished and the earth rises up to meet us

Monday motivational: The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any - Alice Walker

Life

When I was a child, 
I thought as a child
Acted like a child
Felt as a child
When I became an adult I put away childish things and thought as an adult, acted like an adult, and felt as an adult

But life is not what its promised to be
People are not what they promised to be

Thoughts are not as they should be
Thoughts of jealousy, insecurity, inadequacy cloud your mind

Actions are not as they should be
Actions of love and trust are replaced with fear, anger, disillusionment and self-protection

Feelings are not as hey should be
Feelings of hurt, mistrust and loathing race into your heart

How easy is it to continue on such a path
Forgetting the child in you
Hiding him away and never letting him out to play

But once in a lifetime, when you wish upon a star
You are granted the gift of new life
Not new life as in the birth of a child but rather the rebirth of your spirit

Sometimes one can let it pass you by
Hide away from it, thinking it can only be another false promise
Another opportunity to be hurt
Think it would be too much work, and not worth the risk

But I have been given such a gift

And this gift is beautiful, pure, unselfish
This gift is all I could have ever hoped and prayed for 

My gift is you
And I shall continue to unwrap you for all the days of my life
I shall cherish and nurture you
Knowing that this is what I have been praying for

You.

The mind is everything - what you think you become – Buddha

Heart break

Heart break is a funny thing. Because the pain you feel is not in your heart. Its in your legs. In your face. In your hands. In your stomach. You battle to breathe. You cannot eat. You cannot sleep.

Heartache consumes you. Eats you alive. Brings every doubt and insecurity you have ever had to the surface, rearing its ugly head, chomping at it's bit. Reminding you just how often you have been hurt, let down, betrayed, felt less-than. 

Sometimes. more often than not, heart break can be in your head. Can be a situation you have created for yourself. One that does not even exist. 

Sometimes it can be because the grand gesture is not forthcoming. Sometimes it can be because the person you love, does not love you back. At all, or in the way you wish he would. Sometimes because he doesn't call, because he doesn't visit, because he does not commit the way you wish he would.

Sometimes, heartbreak is the real deal. It is when he has cheated. It is when he has let you down, and betrayed you. It is when you have not been enough. 

But always, heart break is absolutely horrible. It hurts. It destroys. It renders us useless.

This is when we must remember, more than ever, to be kind to ourselves. Not to listen to the voices in our heads, but to just love ourselves and remember how fantastic we are. Deep in our souls.

Guard your hearts but at the same time love with all you have <3