What holds you back

I recently started dating somebody. One of the first statements I made to him was, ‘I am a strong independent woman’. Quite proudly. Quite amazed that I found myself infatuated with this boy because I don’t allow myself to get close. So the best buffer I could was to flaunt my strength and my independence.

Why was it necessary? Why was this one of the first statements I uttered to him?

Because I was scared. Still am. I have had my heart broken. So have we all, right? My husband left me for another woman when I was seven months pregnant with his son. And I think for me that broke any bit of fundamental hope I had in ever meeting a nice boy. Or being loved. Or being nurtured.

I tried dating after that. Really hard. I attempted putting myself out there. I didn’t want to get bitter. I didn’t want to feel like my love life was over before I even turned 30.

But try as I might, I did not meet anybody for me. I met people, but my soul knew, they were somebody else’s happily ever afters. So I threw them back into the ocean.

Closed my heart off, erected a wall, threw some barbed wire on top for good measure, and called it a day. Had a wonderful life. Met people. Raised my kids. Travelled. Studied. Ran my business. Grew it. Learned about myself. Discovered so much about people and about life.

Contented. Complete. Fulfilled. But TOTALLY love averse. After all, if your family lets you down, your husband lets you down, your friends let you down, lets be honest. The safest bet is the convent.

And then I met the boy I was meant to be with all along. Just one random day. And I realized. I was NOT strong and independent. I was scared. Fear had been holding me back all along. But I am so glad it did, because it let go at just the right time, and propelled me straight into his arms. I didn’t have a chance to think, I just did.

Fear held me back – what holds you back? What would you do tomorrow if there was no more barriers?

Be kind to one another.