Putting it out there

I have never had much good luck with relationships. With my parents, with my extended family, and especially with my significant others. My marriage ended dismally, and for a long time I just have believed that it is not my lot in life. I have a good life. I have two amazing kids, a very fulfilling job, wonderful friends, and fabulous animals - I am busy, I am filled.

Part of my job entails travelling. I climb into my car, or onto a plane, and I leave for beautiful, magical places. I absolutely love encountering new people, new destinations, and sitting staring, breathless, at our stunning South African landscape. And this is where, somehow, my fillness, becomes ever-so-slightly, unfilled. Like one second I am fine, I am happy, I am joyous, and then I turn around to share the sight - shout enthusiastically to my partner - and the bugger is not there. And then I remember.... oh ja - I am busy, I am filled.

Having a boyfriend would be a lot of work. I would have to feed him, play with him, probably even have to dress him. What a chunk of time out of my busy filledness.

I have a whole story already, at 41. Having a boyfriend would mean I would have to start at chapter one and explain how I became me. I would have to explain my hurt, reveal my pain, and show myself bare and exposed. How can anybody this busy, possibly dedicate that amount of time to another human? I am filled.

And then I went on a magical retreat a few weeks ago with a magical mentor. All the single ladies there were talking about how they would love a partner and I am just thinking - HMPH how uNbusy are these chicks? How uNFilled are they? Shame...... me? No time. No space. Totally filled.

A week later I turned 41, and I wrote down the things I would allow myself this year, and the last part of it read.... And should the right situation come along, I give myself the gift of being loved.

Five days later I was kissed. By the most incredible. amazing man I have met in years, if not in my lifetime. In front of a whole room of people. Was he crazy? I am busy! And super filled! And yet, what a delicious feeling is this? Every text from that day till this, a champagne bubble of excitement. Every meeting, every chance I catch his eye, my breath stops in my throat. 

Was I merely waiting to give myself the gift? Allow myself the chance to be loved? Treasured? I do not know, but I guarantee I will NOT be too busy to give you the latest as soon as I read the next chapter. To be continued!

Be kind to one another <3