Locked down

Feelings flood over me
Through me
Unwanted
Undesired
Unloved
Not enough
Insufficient
Inarticulate
Rejected
Things I vowed to never feel again
Yet here these perfect strangers are once more
Knocking on the door
Jeering at me
Provoking me
Wondering how I ever deemed id be worthy some day
Worthy of being adored
Worthy of being supported
Worthy of being accepted for the unholy mess of the kaleidoscope I surely am
Voices inside
Talking so loudly I cannot hear others speak
I can hear words but do not feel them
I can see things but I dont resonate with them
As though I'm dying in my core. Slowly. Dying once more
Just wanting to be enough
Wanting to make somebody's world spin on it's very axis
Just by me being me
I'm a joke
A has been
A may never even have existed
I thought I rose like a Phoenix
Instead I am the swamp
I drag people down into my depths
I drown them
I take away their light
Kill their joy
Twist their happiness not just their words
Drive them away like cattle
I eclipse their sun and pull their energy into the black hole that is my heart
That is my energy
That is me.
I will never be the person who takes my life force away
But do I even have it to begin with
Did I ever have the sunshine at my back
Could I ever be a sunrise to another
A starry night
A smile
A reason to be more
I try. I fight against the quicksand but it always comes back for me
Never allowing me to breathe. Never allowing me the slighest respite
Constantly reminding me who my demons are and where they reside
In my core. The prison I created for them