To meditate or medicate?

At the beginning of the year, my topics were decided upon. This one seemed like a cut and dried one for me. And then…. COVID 19 struck.

In fact, 2020 struck. With all of it’s curve balls, all of it’s intensity and all of it’s chaos. Started reeling our heads and then…. The virus came to town.

I am in a new relationship, with a lovely man I have known for 16 years. We decided for safety reasons to brave the lockdown together. Which sounded like a fabulous idea to facilitate us getting to know each other on a much deeper level, and to bond. One we would never have again.

The period started out amazingly, and then…. My demons came to town. They didn’t knock politely on the door. They didn’t ask if they could come in. They were just there. Staring at me in the face. It was like they had never left.

I didn’t have an easy childhood, and was in a very unhappy marriage, which ended in my late twenties. I spent my thirties desperately working on me, so I could be a better mom, friend, daughter, sister and partner. I took medication, I stopped medication, I went on medication again, and then decided, I wanted to do it alone.

That is, until Rona came knocking. I cannot remember a time of more desperation, more chaos, more anger, more frustration, than the week of 30 March. Did it make sense? Not even a little. I have a home, I have food, I have a business and amazing staff members. I have a wonderful family, fantastic kids who are safe, and a loving boyfriend. And yet, not a SHRED of logic was to be found. I descended into the most manic depressive state I have been in in years. War erupted in our house as we battled for territory and for, most importantly, sanity.

After many ugly words, much unnecessary fighting, calm descended. It was as though I needed one final battle with them before they left the building.

What I am saying is, you are not alone. We are all facing demons at the moment. Fighting them on a daily basis. Being far from our loved ones. Worrying about their safety. Worrying about our health. Worrying about finances, the economy, our beautiful South Africa.

Just ride the wave. Hold on tight. Let it crash all around you. And then, when you open your eyes on the other side, you will be okay. It will have passed. And you will be prouder of yourself than ever before.

I am here. We are all here. Be kind to yourself.