Musings from a Meditation

 I recently went on a meditation retreat. It was daunting for me as I went alone, and my anxiety was high - but also something I have wanted to do for years and just never had the guts.

As soon as I arrived I began on my usual quest - make friends. Establish connections. Find somebody to chat to so you feel less awkward.

Soon I realised that this was not why people were there. That they were there to be silent - to introspect - to grow, to learn. Some opted to be in total silence for the entire retreat.

And I decided to look inside and see if any messages came from my guides, my subconscious, or anywhere else.

And I must say, it was quite disturbing where this took me. I realised that the reason I make friends wherever I go - the bank, the post office, the supermarket, is because the self-talk and the words inside my head are so nasty, that when I give them the space, they are plain poison.

We all hear about self-talk and we are told to be kind to ourselves but wow did this resonate with me so much more after I sat and listened.

Some of the words were:

Why do I despise myself?

I drown out my guilt and thoughts and consciousness

I drown out my awakening and my messages from within

In noise and in chatter

I refuse to hear the warnings and the love from those on the other side

I deflect, I distract

I am the Queen of Illusion

Slight of hand, tongue so smooth

Disillusioned Illusionment

Watch me preform

See me drown it out

I reject my reflection

I was given reading material while there, and I have vowed to meditate as many times a week as I can manage. In that stillness I hope I find love for myself, acceptance, and peace.

Be kind to one another