Do you feel like an imposter?

Imposter syndrome is a very real phenomenon. In my experience, it is an affliction which affects women  more than men.

I have been working for VCA for 24 years this year. I have literally shed blood, sweat and tears for the organisation. On more than one occasion. I paid for my shareholding. A lot. Possibly, and most likely, more than the market value for it.

And yet, if somebody finds out that the business used to be a family concern, or that I used to work for my parents, as they were the owners, and founders, people assume that I didn't really need to do much to be in the position that I am in. That my job was given to me, and my shareholding also.

That I had a cushy time in those early years, and that I don't really deserve my title, or my experience.

And I find myself IMMEDIATELY needing to justify just how much I actually DO deserve all of it.  I get offended, I put words into their mouths, and beliefs into their heads. I assume that they are judging me, and in that moment I find myself believing that I am totally incompetent and undeserving. 

I never even knew that it had a name, until I heard about it from a thought leader I follow, years after I started feeling this way. And it made so much sense. What I was feeling, and why. And I started to attempt to believe that I was worthy. Of VCA's success. Of my capabilities. Of my skillset. Of my job.

Years later, and a family member who is exceptionally bright, young, and ambitious reached out to ask if I had ever written about imposter syndrome on my blog. I hadn't, and it was actually something I don't even speak about often, as it is quite a personal and almost embarrassing feeling to have. 

She said to me that she had experienced it herself in her professional life recently. This person is SUPER confident and incredibly capable, so the thought of her battling it too was so foreign to me. She had a conversation with a client recently, who had a different take on this. He told her that he always wants to be challenged. He always wants to feel stretched. He wants to know more. He gave the example of doctors. Doctors are experts in their fields, but are always learning more. But if this gentleman, at over 60 years of age, feels like an imposter, and somebody in their early thirties is feeling something similar, or me in my late forties is feeling this way, is it imposter syndrome or is it overwhelm from growth? Are we cocooning and preparing for our next stage of development?

I think its so important to always communicate with those around us, so that we ARENT alone. We DO make sense and our feelings ARE valid and we aren't so unique that we are the first to feel this way.

Try and be kind to yourself, and don't be scared to fail - because what if we SOAR!

Sunrises and sunsets

 My mom recently lost her lifelong best friend. After a long battle with alzheimers. She spoke at her funeral, and watching my mom in that kind of pain, despite knowing for sure that Auntie S's pain was over, broke my heart. Made me realise just how special our friends are. Our friends who we keep making plans with and never managing to honour for whatever reason.

Her son officiated her funeral, as a Deacon. When he spoke, he talked about Sunrises and Sunsets. A time to be born, and a time to die. A beginning, and an ending. For everything in life.

A few weeks ago, we lost a client to a vicious and senseless murder. Broke her family and her very large staff and community. Shook them all. I found myself wondering again about the sunset. Is it not meant to be glorious? And then I realised, that although the sunset is quite stunning, and the sunrise makes you catch your breath, it is what happens in between that is really what makes our sunsets.

How we love those around us. How we love ourselves. How we treat our earthly vessels, our amazing bodies. How we communicate with those we care about. Are we kind? Do we leave others with a sense of appreciation, do we make them feel seen, heard, accepted, and cherished?

A very dear friend of mine, finally found her soulmate. About 5 years ago. In her fifties. This man idolized her, after so many years of a bitterly unhappy marriage. He treated her like a queen, he never said an ugly word. He has been fighting for his life the last few weeks, and last night, was his sunset. The pain my friend must be going through I could never even imagine. But how amazing was his between time? How fully did he live his life, just by loving?

An amazing client of 23 years, who has been suffering with cancer for the past 4 years, is lying in a state of dreams, about to experience her sunset. I have been honoured to have spent time with her over the past few weeks. Holding her hand. Chatting about life after death, about being scared, and about what happens next. She slipped into a coma last week and she is saying her goodbyes in her head, and her hellos to the other side. Her family is absolutely devastated. She has lived her whole life for her work, for her company, and now, at 74, she has never retired. She has just worked. How is that fair? She has been married for the last 50 plus years to a man who adores her, and now he faces his sunset alone.

I am so grateful for those around me who have carried me, smiled at me, hugged me, and loved me. Who have seen the promise and the potential and the beauty within. And brought it out.

There is so much ugliness around us. But there is so much love, so much promise. So many memories to be made. Dont just sit and wait. LIVE. Live for those who can no longer. LOVE. Love like you want to be loved. Smile. Hug. Kiss deeply. Our sunsets will come, but first we need to appreciate the beauty of the now.

Be kind to one another.

Celebrate YOU

 

As we enter the fifth month of 2024, we find ourselves wondering how we even got here. We are all tired. We need a break. Mentally, financially, spiritually, physically. We all need something to look forward to, something to keep us moving forward.

 

 

Success is something that we all deeply desire. Success in relationships. Success in business. Successful finances. Success in health. We push ourselves to the limits every single day. We sacrifice so much of ourselves in this pursuit. We set goals. Yet when we achieve these, we push past them, ruthlessly in pursuit of the next box to tick. We don’t take a pause and see what we have achieved.

 

Celebration is not something we know how to do. We are taught to celebrate the big things only. What if we celebrated the small things. The things that we take for granted every single day. What if we took time to just breathe. We are also so caught up in ourselves that we cannot bring ourselves to celebrate the success of those around us. And in turn, to announce our own success, because who will celebrate with us? Who will not covet what we have achieved, degrade its value by reasoning it down. Favours called in, unfair advantages, familiar benefits.

 

What if for today we acknowledged just how amazing and incredible WE are? What if today we look inwards and WE see what we have achieved? On our own merit - that we don’t need our spouse, lover, friend, family members, co-workers or boss to give us the nod of approval, to tell us that they are proud of us – because at the end of the day, our opinion of ourselves is ACTUALLY the only one that matters.

 

Lets not just be kind to each other, but to ourselves too

The swomp man

 I am so worthy

I am so sensual

I am so vibrant

I'm allowed to feel

All of it

And im allowed to make time and space for me

I deserve it

Hayley time for the win

Slow and steady my girl

 

You will win the race

The Wasp and the Dove

While on a recent retreat, I was in a beautiful atrium, at night. I had spent the day mostly in silence. We were doing Tai Chi, as a group. It was the first time I had engaged in this practice, and I was feeling shy and very out of my comfort zone.

I had kicked off my shoes and was doing the practice barefoot, and feeling silly and self conscious so my eyes were everywhere, making sure nobody was watching me. We had nametags that we needed to wear for the entire weekend, as these identified us as residents of the temple. My nametag kept irritating me as I was stretching, and moving my body. I glanced down to check why it was so irritating, and I saw a wasp sitting on it.

I swiped it off immediately, as I am really nervous of being stung by a wasp: I believe it is very painful indeed! 

The wasp was unperturbed. I was convinced it would launch a counter attack and come back and sting me relentlessly. Instead it wafted slowly down to the tiles below, and had a sip of water that was leaking from a nearby tap. Presently, a dove flew down to drink water from the same pool. I watched, half in terror, half in fascination, convinced that the wasp was waiting to come for me, and then sting the poor dove to death.

He didn't. He hovered around the water, he walked on the tiles, and he and the dove seemed to have a moment where they were just watching us do our stretching and our breathing. It was a bizarre thing to witness.

I then started wondering, why does the wasp not sting the dove? And as I thought more and more about this question, I realised that just because something or somebody is in a position to do something spiteful, something nasty, or hurtful to us, doesn't always mean that they will. I learned that intrinsically, somewhere along the path, I have decided that if somebody can hurt you, they will. If they can sting you, if you are weaker, or vulnerable in any way, they will. Over and over until you succumb to your wounds.

How does life have a way of making us feel like this? How do we learn to become so jaded, and to expect the worst out of every situation? 

It is so difficult to be vulnerable, but this is what we sometimes need to be. To expect the very best of people, and to expect nothing short of this.

Be kind to one another.

Nothing stays the same

 They say that nothing stays the same - but neither do the seasons.

A new season is not an ending, its a shift, a newness, a celebration.

Change doesn't need to be an ending, its just a shift, a chapter, a beginning.

Musings from a Meditation

 I recently went on a meditation retreat. It was daunting for me as I went alone, and my anxiety was high - but also something I have wanted to do for years and just never had the guts.

As soon as I arrived I began on my usual quest - make friends. Establish connections. Find somebody to chat to so you feel less awkward.

Soon I realised that this was not why people were there. That they were there to be silent - to introspect - to grow, to learn. Some opted to be in total silence for the entire retreat.

And I decided to look inside and see if any messages came from my guides, my subconscious, or anywhere else.

And I must say, it was quite disturbing where this took me. I realised that the reason I make friends wherever I go - the bank, the post office, the supermarket, is because the self-talk and the words inside my head are so nasty, that when I give them the space, they are plain poison.

We all hear about self-talk and we are told to be kind to ourselves but wow did this resonate with me so much more after I sat and listened.

Some of the words were:

Why do I despise myself?

I drown out my guilt and thoughts and consciousness

I drown out my awakening and my messages from within

In noise and in chatter

I refuse to hear the warnings and the love from those on the other side

I deflect, I distract

I am the Queen of Illusion

Slight of hand, tongue so smooth

Disillusioned Illusionment

Watch me preform

See me drown it out

I reject my reflection

I was given reading material while there, and I have vowed to meditate as many times a week as I can manage. In that stillness I hope I find love for myself, acceptance, and peace.

Be kind to one another